I don’t know how I got in the swimming pool. I remember most of the moments leading up to getting in the swimming pool. I stood in the corner of Scott’s living room and told him to close his eyes while I changed into my swim trunks. I must have walked outside after that. Then I set my glasses down on the table by the door. But I don’t remember jumping in (or climbing in, or falling in – whatever I did to end up in the water).
Everyone is in the pool but Jonathan, who’s passed out on the couch inside. I can hear the music we danced to earlier still playing inside. I wonder if it’s bothering Jonathan. I hear a splash at the deep end of the pool. Scout just jumped in. He’s naked and so is Emily.
I know the water is cold. It’s April and the weather is still cool most days. It’s late – probably past midnight – so the sun is long gone and there’s nothing warming the pool but our bodies. I know the water is cold, but I can’t really feel its temperature. I can only feel the water surrounding me, washing over my shoulders as I bob up and down. I tap my fingertips on my forehead and announce, “I can’t feel my forehead.”
I’m sitting on the steps at the shallow end, watching everyone else. Without my glasses, I can’t make out the details of people’s faces, but I can see their blurry bodies moving around the pool. Scout and Emily are two flesh-colored blurs in the deep end. The others are sitting at the table. Someone is smoking a cigarette; I can’t see it, but I can smell it. Kelsey is by herself, treading water at the edge of the pool near the ladder. I push off of the step I’m sitting on and propel myself towards her. I struggle to keep my face out of the water as I swim. The pungent scent of chlorine fills my nose, as does a little water.
I can smell her hair before I reach her. The scent of her shampoo always lingers around her. I swim up behind her and wrap my arms around her shoulders.
“Hey,” she says, craning her neck back to look at me.
I bury my face in her neck, and the smell of her shampoo mixed with cigarettes and chlorine overwhelms me.
“I’m really drunk,” I slur into her ear.
“I can tell,” she says.
She begins moving closer to the ladder, and I move my arms from her shoulders. I place my hands on her waist underwater. She feels soft and slippery, but she swims out of my grip. I tell her to wait.
“I have something important to tell you.”
“What is it?” she asks.
She turns to face me. I move closer to her, so our bodies are almost touching again. She starts to back away and I groan a little. I lean in and whisper in her ear.
“I’m not a girl. I mean…I think I’m a boy. I…I can’t really explain it right now.”
“What?” she says.
I wrap my arms around her shoulders again.
“I just really wanna tell you,” I say. “But I’m afraid I won’t tell you when I’m not drunk. Make me tell you about it later. Promise me you’ll make me tell you.”
I move my head back to look into her eyes.
“Okay,” she says. “I promise.”
“Thanks. What time is it?”
“Late,” She says. “We should probably get out.”
I look around and realize we’re the only ones still in the pool. Two figures are wrapped in towels sitting at the table, but no one else is outside. I watch Kelsey climb the ladder out of the pool. She’s wearing her bra and a pair of Scott’s shorts – red denim cutoffs.
“Where’d Jonathan go?” I ask when she steps out of the pool.
“I think he’s still on the couch,” she says. “Are you gonna get out?”
Kelsey and I are alone in our dorm, sitting on my bed with a bottle of red wine between us. The TV she got for Christmas is in front of us, balanced on a pile of textbooks. We’re watching the copy of The Graduate that we bought from the $5 DVD bin at HEB.
“It’s really angsty,” I told Kelsey. “You’ll like it.”
We sit in my bottom bunk, and I stare up at the bars under Kelsey’s mattress. I’ve seen The Graduate enough times to know what’s going on without watching.
“Mrs. Robinson,” Benjamin Braddock says, “are you trying to seduce me?”
Mrs. Robinson laughs.
“Huh?” she says.
“Aren’t you?” Benjamin says.
Kelsey laughs and I look back at the screen. Kelsey laughs when she’s supposed to laugh. I pick up the wine bottle and take a swig. I hand the bottle to Kelsey and she motions that she doesn’t want any.
“Hide it from me,” I say.
She puts the bottle on her other side. I lay down on my side with my legs still hanging off the bed. I curl my legs up to my chest and close my eyes.
“Do you want to watch this another time?” Kelsey asks.
“No,” I say as I open my eyes and look at her. “I’m just listening.”
“Benjamin Braddock has no idea what he’s doing and neither do I,” I think.
“What are you doing?” Benjamin’s father asks.
“Well,” Benjamin says, “I would say that I’m just drifting. Here in the pool.”
I hear the movie stop. I open my eyes and see Kelsey holding the remote control and staring at me.
“Do you want to talk about the other night?” she asks.
“What?” I ask, even though I know exactly what she’s talking about.
“You told me to make you talk about it,” she says.
“Yeah, but I was supposed to be sober,” I say.
“If we don’t talk about it now, will we ever talk about it?” she asks.
“I,” I hesitate. “I don’t know.”
“We don’t have to talk about it.”
“I’m sad,” I say.
I sit up. I look at the screen and see Benjamin frozen in his parents’ swimming pool.
“Can we talk about it after the movie?” I ask.
She turns the movie back on. Benjamin Braddock is lying on a raft, staring up at his father, who is standing at the edge of the pool.
“It’s very comfortable to just drift here,” Benjamin says.
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